Yesterday, in a social event where I was writing things down with five other students, I was complimented for having “the best” handwriting among all. I was flabbergasted because that was the first time after a very long time I had not got any compliment about my handwriting. I first felt strange, but quickly felt warm about it.

I think we like to get compliments about things that we put a lot of efforts in. Conversely, we feel sad when things we put a lot of efforts in do not earn us compliments.

That was peer-to-peer feedback. How about top-down? Recently, talking with a friend, I know that he rarely got any compliments at all during his last six years. I was in shock with that fact. He is a smart guy, with Asian origin, and working in a competitive field. That should give the chance for a lot of compliments. But he gets only one during that time. But I was even more surprised when he said he felt completely normal about it. He said he values criticism more. He told me his boss is very critical to him, sometimes saying things that are not nice to him. However, he believes the job of the supervisor is to tell him the truth. That is the fastest way for that supervisor to help him learn, and to earn the ultimate respect from him in the long run. The mentees may not like him at the moment for the harsh feedback they receive. But eventually, they should think for themselves the benefits they have get from such feedback.

How about bottom-up feedback? For mission-critical jobs, like those in NASA, direct communication is deadly important. The SmarterEveryDay guy has said that in front of NASA people in a conference. He implied that the employees there are not brave enough to speak up the truth about some design flaws to their boss. Personal benefits aside, such speak-ups are life-and-death for space missions.

So how much compliments should we desire to receive? I used to yearn one every week so that I had something to make my parents happy. My friend is used to one every six years. I’m confident to say the golden frequency is in the middle.