Relaxed Conversations

There is a mode of talking that I’d call relaxed conversations. It is a type of conversation made by people who are relaxed. They are defined by the mindset you bring into the conversation: relaxed, no pressure, no agenda, just hanging out, just speak what’s in the mind, open for what’s in other people’s mind, open for human’s ingenuity.

Note that it is not relaxing conversations. Before a relaxing conversation, you may not be relaxed, and the conversation makes you relaxed.

It might not be a coincidence that lately, when I was wrapping up my internship in the Bay Area and going back to school in suburban Texas, I saw myself in many relaxed conversations. They are:

• The convo with Osama & Yuxin (my intern hosts) during our last sync: Instead of the usual high-stake agenda full of problems to solve, we were only there to acknowledge that it was our last sync. That suddenly softened my nerves. Yuxin talked about what she thought about my project. Osama relaxingly agreed (he has always been relaxing). Then I talked about something off-topic, perhaps my recent wonderings on my future. Time went by slowly.
• With a Vietnamese co-worker on my last Thursday: He knew I was leaving the company, so he stopped by at 4:30 to have a last conversation with me. In a work setting, conversations are forced to be productive. They have to have purposes, and all the things being said must be to achieve them. Everything else can be seen as small talks, goofing/f-ing/messing around. But I enjoyed that last conversation with him. There were times when he finished his sentences, and I felt a slight urge to follow up with something interesting/brilliant. But I kept quiet. And he just started a new point that is so interesting that I will naturally have something to say back. We smiled a lot.
• A dinner with my co-intern friends on my last Friday night: We are not as close as college friends, so there was usually a pressure to perform with each other. But on that night, I just handed my laptop and wrapped up my internship. My school year hadn’t started (until the next Monday). So I realized I had nothing to worry about. For better or worse, the internship was already over. I wanted to perform well, but there was no more I could do at that time. And the school year was coming with a new project that sees no immediate deadline yet. And I just got a paper accepted from last year that I will need to revise in pleasure. For the first time in a while, I entered a dinner knowing I had no scary deadlines waiting for me for at least a month. That opens me up to talk about things I really care about but have only kept for myself, with whom I want to trust.
• A hallway conversation with a professor who is famous for being critical: This is the type of people I wanted to impress. But somehow I was still so relaxed that I just said hi to them, not having any agenda in mind. I was just curious about what they are up to. So I said hi; then they said hi back, friendlily. I realized I am curious about their summer, so I asked about their summer. They gave a funny response (“bad, because it is over, back to school!”) Then they asked me about my research and we had a fun little chat about it. Because of being relaxed, this is the first time I had a proper conversation with them after 3 years of seeing them at UTD. And for the same reason, this is the first time I know how they are in a 1-1 conversation, which surprised me a bit.
• A friend in the dorm (first evening of school): I went over to pick something up. But I was so relaxed that I stayed for a second, checking in with them about what they are doing. While talking, some others were also chatting softly in the same hallway. A breeze passed by where we stood. For the first time, I noticed what it feels like to be in a UTD dormitory, a feeling I have been refusing to look for, only observing it as an outsider (because I thought I would not be able to feel that?) For the first time, I feel that the atmosphere is lovely.
• A walk with my advisor: It was time for us to have a work conversation. He asked me whether I wanted to meet in the lab or in his office. I said his office. Then I corrected myself: “Do you want to go for a walk?” It turns out, my advisor has not been having any walking conversation for years, thus not knowing what certain parts of the campus look like. I think he was more relaxed than usual during that walk.

I like relaxed conversations. They allow me to notice new things about the people I talk to and the environment we are in. They enable me to share things more freely, which can spark interesting connections between us.

Just to recap, here is what I guess how to get into one:

• Conditions: no agenda / goals needed
• Mindset: enjoy the moment, relax with the other person
• Actions:
  • deep breath
  • relax the brain / skull muscles
  • relax the body
  • if helpful, think of a wealthy person spectating life

Hope you enter more conversations with a relaxed mind.